You Can’t Make This S**t Up!

Coffee plantation worker watches as weasel eats the ripest beans.

Reports this to manager.

Manager swears ($#!@*!!), runs to get his 9mm.

Manager misses the weasel.

Worker finds some weasel s**t and picks it up.

Calls Manger over, points out the coffee beans imbedded in the weasel s**t.

Manager swears again ($#!@*!!), runs to get hand sanitizer.

Worker shrugs his shoulders, picks up lots more weasel s**t, and starts drying them out.

Weeks later, the worker decides to clean the beans in some red wine and then processes them like he normally does.

Manager sees this going on and swears ($#!@*!!) at the worker, runs to report him to HR.

Worker secretly makes a batch of weasel s**t coffee, closes his eyes, preparing for the worst, and sips.

And sips again.

And again.

Worker gives the manager the side-eye and grins to himself.

Worker quits the plantation, opens his own place using the weasel s**t coffee, it sells for over a hundred dollars a pound.

Worker becomes a millionaire, buys the plantation, fires manager.

Manager swears (S**t!!!)

Yup! says the Worker

If you think that I am making this stuff up, you would be mistaken. In fact, with a few small changes for accuracy’s sake (like it was a rifle, not a 9mm) that is exactly how it all happened!

                        Sort of.

                        But the process is simple, basic science, that makes everyone want to gag.

                        But the end result is apparently quite good!                     

                        And no worries….. when the boiling water hits it it’s all pure!

                        Only kidding! It’s sanitary way before that stage!

Here’s the whole story. Back in the day these “weasels” (who are not really weasels but are civets. Unfortunately, Civet S**t Coffee doesn’t sound nearly as cool as Weasel S**t Coffee does. (These weasels have a good marketing team working for them!) were observed eating only the ripest, sweetest coffee beans. Their little tummies dissolved the outer casings and left the best part, the ‘meat’ of the beans, intact, but….. chemically altered by the enzymes in said tummies. The beans then take the Low Road and get “processed” by the rest of the weasel’s guts until we get to the part where the “Worker” walks around and picks up the weasel s**t and further processes it. It needs to be dried for a few weeks; then it is washed in red wine. A 1945 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti (DRC) Grand Cru is usually preferred but if that is not available then a Gallo Brothers Red Wine (bag-in-box) will do nicely.

                        Bet you can’t wait to try this s**t out!

                        The verdict is still out on whether this process yields something spectacular or whether the spectacular yields the process…. namely a marketing gimmick.

                        But…… there is some verified science behind the little guy’s preference for only the choicest, ripest, sweetest (?) coffee cherries and their ultimate treatment down inside. The underlying progression and systematic treatment of the coffee cherry by a certified chemical process that showed that the Robusta beans ingested and then pooped (there now 😊 no more need for asterisks!) contained significantly elevated levels of total fat….. of not one, but two different fatty acids that are commonly used as flavoring agents and are associated with creamy, dairy-like notes.

                        The source of this discord amongst the Juan Valdez’s of the Coffee World probably explains some of this dispute. The Specialty Coffee Association of Americas (SCAA) has generally pooh-poohed (sorry, I couldn’t resist that one!) the taste and acceptability of it. I suspect it’s because they don’t got no weasel poops themselves and have GPE (General Poop Envy) and probably need a laxative.

                        C’mon you guys!

                        Let the rest of us have some fun!

                        No one can afford this s**t full-time anyway, so what’s the big stink? (Oops!… there it is again!)

            So, we will just have to rely on our own El Exigente (pronounced Alexa Hente), standing in for Juan Valdez (pronounced Waaaan Valdez) ….. Ms. McCarthy de Paola (pronounced ‘Goldilocks’ because she’s so particular) who was afforded the opportunity to have a cup o’ s**t on the house, or weasel, if you prefer.

            The verdict was firmly placed in the Aye! column with all of the supporting evidence (twenty-seven 8×10 colored glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back explaining each one…..) for your perusal.

                        So… run, don’t walk to you local grocer and demand that they carry some Weasel S**t Coffee and let’s all watch the local Board of Health have babies!