Month: January 2023

                   A long, loud blast of the ship’s horn woke everyone from whatever reverie they were captured in at the time. Some (most) were at the Bar, many were sunbathing around the pool, the card and board games were being furiously being played in the unused dining room, and there were still quite a few having “Second Lunch” in the Horizon Court. The time was 1500 hours, or ‘Six bells’ into the Fourth “Afternoon” Watch or, if you insist, at 3:00 pm local time.

                             King Neptune and his Court had arrived from the Deep, sensing a ship about to cross the Equator with an unusually large number of possible Crossers that still need to be initiated or found worthy, as it were.  

                             Hauled, pushed, bound and tied, some kicking and screaming, we were herded into his Courtroom, hastily convened out by the Lido Deck Pool. Being the wise King that he is, he realized that with this many Polliwogs needing to be put on ‘Trial’, a representative batch of the passengers was needed…. so that the trial did not last until we reached Tahiti, still two Sea Days away!

                             This assemblage of unworthy, uninitiated, guilty until proven guilty, (NO ONE was found innocent!) was called poolside and it was there that they faced the reality of our collective felonies and dealt their fates.

                             Charges such as Gluttony were leveled at them with a narrative that was hard to argue against, ……”You have been accused of sneaking up to Horizon Court for Breakfast, then going down to the Dining Room for another Breakfast, returning to Horizon Court for mid-morning snacks, then on to the Good Spirits Bar for ‘Elevensies’, back to Horizon Court for Lunch, then back down to the Dining Room for served Lunch, returning to Horizon Court for another dessert, grabbing a slice of Pizza and a Burger and Fries poolside, then on to Afternoon Tea and Scones, back to Horizon Court for a pre-dinner snack, then reporting to the Provence Dining Room for Dinner and when finished, going down a deck and sneaking into the Bordeaux Dining Room for anther Dinner.”

                             “How do you Plead?’

                             Knowing that these charges leveled against the representative group of our fellow passenger were in fact very true, we, the jury (and by extension the Accused at the same time) yelled out even before the Accused could get out a reply,

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

They didn’t stand a chance. The ‘Malicious Barber’ and ‘Conniving Surgeon’ were summoned to exact upon them whatever Punishment was deemed appropriate.

          A concoction of whipped cream, ‘oodles’ of spaghetti (with loads of sauce!) and some other unidentifiable ingredients were dumped, smeared, or otherwise “offered” to, and on, them.

                             A raucous Cheer erupted from the Crowd! We were thankful that we were not among our fellow passengers that received their punishment!

                             The crew did not escape unscathed either. A representative of them was duly charged, found guilty, and then marched (thrown) into the pool…. Officer’s Uniform and all!

                             Eventually all were found to be worthy. We (the previous Polliwogs) were now accorded the title of ‘Worthy’ Shellbacks and allowed to pass over the Equator relatively unscathed.

                             If you know your Geography, you realize that we will need to cross the equator again in order to return to our homes which are conveniently located in the Northern Hemisphere! Apparently, there are other ‘Levels’ to be attained as one makes more and more crossings. We will have at least two crossings to our name after this cruise. It also means that if we take on passengers in Sydney (the beginning of another leg of this Voyage) and they are indeed Polliwogs, we can safely observe and be confident in our new “Shellback” status!

My apologies.

                   In yesterday’s post I told you that our crossing of the Equator was going to be “In 31.20 hours from now, around noontime, the day after tomorrow.” I must have consumed to much grog at the watch change before I wrote that because 31 hours brings us to today, not tomorrow.

                   The error was discovered when I did todays calculations. Presently we are at 3 degrees above the Equator. (This is the furthest south that I have ever been. Paula has already been to Tahiti, so this is old hat to her.) Which means that we only have about 210 miles to go until we get to the Equator! Knowing what the “number” was yesterday, I said to myself, “Yikes the Captain must have put the “pedal to the metal” last night to cover that distance!”

Then I realized that the more likely explanation was that I had “Miscalculated”

                   The Captain has relieved me from navigation duty.

 I am now polishing those evil mirrors in the elevators.

So that means that at six bells (3:00 pm) this afternoon there will be the King Neptune Polliwog to Shellback Ceremony. Presently there are over 400 polliwogs aboard, not including the crew. It may take until tomorrow to finish this thing!

“Hey Don, what do you mean by ‘six bells’ anyway?”

Well, I’m glad you asked that question! That means that you would like another mini-lesson on things nautical. I’m proud of you guys! It’s not everyone that wants to sit through one of these boring, useless learning experiences!

I’m fairly sure that you’ve heard the expression,

 “Eight Bells and All’s Well!”

                   Bells were used to indicate time aboard ships. The watches that the men would stand were four hours long.

                   So, an hourglass was used to indicate when 30 minutes had expired. (I guess this was a half-hourglass!) When the first half-hour was over, the mate would strike the bell once…. One bell.

                   At the end of the next half-hour the bell would be struck twice…. Two bells. I’m sure you get that concept now, so I won’t go through all of the four hours and their bells. Let’s ‘cut to the chase’ and get to the end. When four hours had finished the bell was rung eight times, two rings for every hour of the four-hour watch.

                             Ring-Ring

                             Ring-Ring

                             Ring-Ring

                             Ring-Ring

                   Eight bells signified the end of that particular watch period.

                   So, “Eight bells and all’s well” could hopefully be announced.

          The day was divided into six four-hour watches (6 x 4 = 24) with the last watch of the day divided into two two-hour mini watches. This was so that there was an odd number of watches which meant that the watches would rotate oddly, assuring that no one would get stuck with the same pattern of watches.

          First Watch started at 8 pm and went to midnight.

          Second or Middle Watch was midnight to 4 am.

          Third or Morning Watch was 4am to 8am.

          Fourth Watch or Forenoon was 8 am to noon.

          Fifth Watch or Afternoon was from noon to 4 pm.

          And the Sixth Watch, the Dog Watch was divided into two parts, 4 pm to 6pm and 6pm to 8 pm. The cycle would then repeat itself ad infinitum.

          So you can see how the number of bell rings had nothing to do with the actual time, or hour, of the day itself.

                   Lesson over.

                   Now you can impress your friends and relations with randomly looking at the clock and saying, “Oh my, it’s five bells already, where does the time go!” and just get up and leave.

          They won’t have a clue.

                   At seven bells into the Dog Watch last night went into the theater to see an Elton John Tribute Show. This guy was good! Now, it’s really hard to sound just like Sir Elton, but it is possible to play the piano like him. It’s just hard to do! This guy didn’t miss a note! It was quite impressive!

                   When it was over we all staggered into the passageway in order to get to the other parts of the ship. I say staggered because the seas have been moderate, which means that you can feel the movement. The stabilizers can do just so much. We kind of laughed at the situation and wondered… Is it better to have the passageway full so that we could all lean and bump into each other or would we be better staggering about all by ourselves?

                   Back to the afternoon….

                   We had some time before dinner to kill because we were shut out of the afternoon Trivia Contest.

                   No room at the Inn.

                   Or in this case, The Wheelhouse Lounge.

                   This is getting too crazy. It seems that we need to get anywhere an hour early just to get seats! That’s what we get for traveling with a bunch of Senior Citizens who have nothing better to do than show up early! (just like on land) They come in and save their favorite chairs for their teams. The rules (loosely) indicate that a team should have no more than six members. But no one checks and I know that it’s for fun and the prize is a priceless Princess Drink Coaster, but still, how can you jump in jubilation when you “win” with a team of thousands? Your chance of getting the correct answer goes up exponentially with every additional member. We’ve been to many, many, Trivia Contests over the years and these on board here, are fairly difficult. I’m pretty good at these things and Paula always contributes with a random fact that I didn’t know, and we barely get to 50% correct! So having folks scream YAY!!! when their team of a million gets them all correct is just a bit much.

          Can you tell that this vexes us?

          We’re never gonna get a Coaster!

          So, in order to feel better we went to the Good Spirits Bar and Lounge and sat at the Bar to drown our sorrows. We had an hour before dinner so there was some time to kill.

                   “What do you want to drink?”

                    “I dunno, what do you want?”

          We had met a lady last week that was going through the entire cocktail list on board and trying one of each, so….. that sounded like a good place to start.  Paula had a “Hawaiian Tropics”, and I had a “Captain’s Bounty”. Suffice it to say that the ingredients were everything that you would expect at a bar on a cruise in the South Pacific. Paula had two and I had just one as I was driving. When we were ready to go to dinner, we realized that we needed to extricate ourselves off of the barstool and stand upright. This became a source of amusement as the ship was still a rockin’ and a rollin’ through the waves.

 Which made standing and walking a chore.

Throw into the mix a few Alcoholic Beverages and we get a recipe for inclusion in the ‘Lesson’s to be Learned’ Book of Nautical No-No’s.  But we just needed to get down the passageway to the Dining Room, so away we ambled, deftly trying to place one foot in front of the other and still counter the movement of the ship.

          This is when we discovered the way to tell if one of our fellow passengers had indeed imbibed too much…. They would be walking upright and going straight as an arrow because the ship would counter their inebriated walk with precision!

                   Well, we’re now just over two degrees north of the Equator, so we’d better start preparations for the Crossing Ceremony. We’re not sure what to do, so we guess that we’ll go practice our best Polliwog to Shellback imitations.

I swear it was only once.

                             It will (probably) never happen again.

                   I fell off the wagon.

                   Actually, it was a well planned and executed sortie into the local group of little shops just outside of the Port. You know, the ones with all of the very important chachkies that are needed at the last minute before you re-board your ship. In my case it was one, single, solitary, lone(ly), can of my former beverage of choice…..

                             Monster.

                             Paula was not happy and from your previous comments to me I can tell that there are quite a few of you that are now shaking your heads in disgust.

                             But… in my defense, I was the one that put myself on the wagon 😊  It’s just that this was a chance that I couldn’t’ pass up!

 It had been 20 days, 18 hours, and 35 minutes since my last one, but who’s counting!

                             Could I have just one?

                             Could I buy just one?

                   Would I start to crave this Elixir of the Gods once again?

Or had I traveled far enough in my quest for the freedom to actually choose whether I wanted one, or more importantly, needed one?

                   Well, you can all start breathing again because I can officially announce that I am not looking forward to my next Monster. I am not counting the days until we reach a port (American Samoa, eight days, and 4 hours away) where they may possibly have this for sale.

                   I am not even thinking about it now!

                   Phew! Now that I’ve got that off my chest we can get back to the Important Stuff Like where the hell are we?

                   I can answer that!

                             10 Degrees, 0.83 minutes North Latitude

                             156 degrees, 40.74 minutes West Longitude

                   Got that?

                             That means that we have just 690 miles (69 miles to 1 degree of latitude) to go until we cross the Equator! We are steaming south at approximately 22 miles per hour (19 knots) so that brings us to the middle of the planet in about 31.36 hours from now or about noontime the day after tomorrow!

Ok, time for a Random Dad Joke courtesy of Captain Ron…

          Why did the bicycle fall over?

          Because it was two tired!

                   This the perfect time for us to have the Court of King Neptune convene! He comes up from the Deep whenever a ship passes over the Equator that has people aboard that have never crossed the Equator. These folks are called Pollywogs. You know, those little critters that eventually turn into frogs.

                   Ok, I get it, little, innocent, aqua-type creatures that eventually change.

                   The problem here is that when we cross the equator and King Neptune gets through with us, we will be Shellbacks.

                   Turtles.

                   I guess that’s better than frogs, but c’mon! I guess that the sailors of yore were not that intelligent and had flunked Biology. Anyway, the Ceremony is held on all types of ships, military included. I am happy that we are safely aboard a Cruise Ship where we are actually paying passengers and the Cruise Line would like to have us re-book a cruise in the future! I am quite sure that the Navy ceremony does not care if you want to go on another cruise or not! Everyone, officers included, must undergo this Initiation Ceremony. This ritual dates back at least 400 years in Western Seafaring lore and is observed by every ship in the world.

                   We have signed up for this event as did about half the passengers! There is definitely not enough room on board for everyone to undergo this transformation in person, so usually a few victims, both passengers and crew, are selected to represent everyone else. But the Ceremony is held outdoors where all can at least watch the Festivities.

                   It should be memorable either way and we get a Certificate (suitable for framing!) when all is concluded.

You all will be the first to see it.

I can feel something growing on my back as we speak.

          Speaking of parties….

The other night when we sailed away from Hawaii, there was a Hula Party down at the pool. We have some Hawaiian Heritage folks aboard who have been giving Ukulele lessons and Hula lessons. We went topside to watch the festivities. When they got ready to do the Hula stuff, we made a beeline to the upper deck so that I could not be dragged (kicking and screaming) on to the dance floor.

          But…. luckily, the Instructor called her Hula Dance Class out to give some very nice demonstrations. A true Hula dance tells the stories of the Hawaiians’ past history, that is one of the ways that their heritage has been passed from generation to generation. As you will see from these photos, there was just one lad in a class of lasses…… and he obviously is a fan of Rogers and Hammerstein’s South Pacific!

          Ok.. another one…

                   I ordered a chicken and an egg online.…..

                   I’ll let you know which one comes first.

          When I started writing this it was 4 AM here, which means that it was 9 AM where most of you guys are. By the time I get done with it, assemble the photos, have Paula proof-read it for me, and actually send it, it will be close to 8:30 AM here or about 1:30 PM on the East Coast. I know that you are used to me having this ready early in the morning, but hey! There are few Time Zones between us and it’s only going to get worse as we head westward!

          The last thing that I want you thinking is that I’m “sleeping in” or something like that!

Ok… last one…..

What did the 0 say to the 8 ?

“Nice belt!”

Thanks for reading!

          It was shaping up to be an exciting Sail-Away!

We went over to the port rail and peered down on the dock, waiting for us to be cast off and underway.

The time was 4:40 PM.

All Aboard was at 4:30.

But…. The gang plank was still out 😊

          That meant that we had the possibility for “Pier Runners”! Remember them? I described them (complete with photos) about two months ago in a previous post, (Ports of Call, November 2022). We rushed to get some Umbrella Drinks to watch the festivities with. Down waiting at the gang plank there was a bevy of white uniformed personnel, accompanied by the Security Staff.

                   They were pacing….

                   While furtively glancing down at their watches…

                   This can only mean one thing…. We had passengers AWOL, and the ship was ready to sail! The perfect recipe for an afternoon of crowd-pleasing entertainment!

Word spread quickly that the opportunity to watch some half-witted late comers was rapidly coming to a climax, and the rail was soon filled with anxious spectators. The Casino Staff showed up to facilitate the placing of bets and deciding on the odds for the arrival time, and whether it would be before, or after, the last line had been cast off and we would officially be able to call out Aloha! Arrivederci! Adios Amigos! See you in Tahiti!

          We scanned the official Port entrance, no one there or running down the street leading into the Port. These guys were seriously late! Now everyone knows that the All Aboard time is set so that we can depart somewhat later, leaving a small cushion of time to allow for situations like this. Usually that cushion is about a half-hour or so. But if everyone else is aboard and that departure time comes and you are not aboard, or being seen running frantically (to the delight of the spectators and Casino Staff) down the pier…… well, let’s just say you should probably have your passport with you to facilitate your flight to join back up with us at a future port.

          A cheer went up from the assembled crowd!

          Activity at the Port Entrance!

          No! It can’t be!

                    We’ve been ripped off!

 It’s a Tour Bus!

The kind that gets the “Guarantee” that the ship will wait! What a bummer! The dejected spectator crowd quickly dispersed muttering obscenities like a sailor.

Wait a minute, we are sailors!

Anyway, we were all disappointed that it turned out Ok and these folks actually had no worries about getting back on time when they were on an official Princess Excursion.

          Next time we will check it all out before placing our bets!

All of this occurred after we had returned from our Excursion to the other side of the Island to see Waimea Canyon and a few other points of interest along the way. Waimea Canyon has been dubbed the “Grand Canyon of the Pacific” (aren’t we getting tired of the use of other places being used as the descriptive for other sites, cities, etc.?)

But I guess that it works as it quickly gives the reader something that is already familiar and easy to comprehend. In this case, the multi-colored canyon walls are something that Waimea has in common with its Arizona cousin. It is quite spectacular, especially when the waterfalls are running! And running they were!

 Because of the way the Tradewinds hit the mountains around here (making their own micro-climate) the average annual rainfall up there in the mountains is about 500 inches, making it one of the wettest places on the Planet! This makes for good waterfall watching as water is the key ingredient in a waterfall!

          Kauai is the oldest island in the Hawaiian Island Archipelago. If you feel one of those “lessons” coming on you would be correct! No worries, it’s an easy one!

                   We all know that our planets crust moves above the somewhat semi-liquid insides of our world. This is called plate tectonics. Think of it as an orange being peeled into relatively large pieces and then re-fitting those pieces back on the orange so that you can move them all around. The “seams” of the peeled orange are where the “Fault Lines” are located.

          Ok, now get out your world maps and locate Midway Island, the same one that was in the WWII spotlight. Midway is actually the last island (or first as you will see) in this very long chain of islands. It is to the northwest of Hawaii, way out there in the Pacific. Ok, there is a hot spot under the sea, and it is currently located under the Big Island of Hawaii. That is why we now have active volcanoes on that Island. Over gazillions of years, the earth’s crust has moved over this “hot spot” (like sliding our orange peel around). Midway Island was once located over this spot which would make its past location where the present Big Island of Hawaii is now located.

                    See! I told you it would be easy!

                   So, since Kauai is the island closest to Midway in this very long line, you can see how it is the oldest landmass in this current grouping of islands. You can also understand how the Big Island is the youngest.

          But, Midway is almost 1300 miles away! This shows you how far our planet’s crust can move over the years because of “plate tectonics!”

                   Lesson over.

                   This “age” gives the geological features of Kauai a very nice worn-down, vegetative covered look…. you can feel their age! Combined with the rainfall induced growing green garden, this effect is like having a comfy blanket covering everything. As dramatic as Waimea Canyon is, it still has a friendly feeling to it.

                   Speaking of friendly feelings, Ron, our Tour Guide and Driver was absolutely superb. He is a native Hawaiian and can trace his lineage back as far as it can go in a land that holds its past history in a series of dances (Hula) that keeps their story alive.

                   He also was about as laid back as anyone we’ve ever met.

                   The drawl in his speaking was entertaining and sounded like he was on quaaludes or something! (Heyyy maaan…… nice bus!)

                   But he wasn’t 😊 as witnessed by his great driving skills used negotiating the switchbacks on the road to the summit where the overlook for Waimea Canyon was located. What his attitude did do was keep us thoroughly entertained with his constant banter featuring lots of local history, anecdotes, and a great collection of “Dad Jokes” that popped out randomly.

                   Waimea Canyon is 3,567 feet deep and about 12 miles long. Not nearly as massive as its big cousin, but just as remarkable given the fact that it is located on an island that, in its entirety, is less than one third the size of the other Grand Canyon!

                   Kauai is also one of the favorite places to use in films. If you have seen Blue Hawaii, Six Days Seven Nights, Jurassic Park, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Descendants, South Pacific, or Donovan’s Reef, you’ve already seen parts of this place called The Garden Isle.

                   Ok, here goes…

What do you call a cow with no legs?

                             Ground beef!

                             What do you call a cow with just two legs?

                             Lean beef!

                   Don’t worry, we’ve got a million of ‘em!

And we’ve got five (!) days at sea on our way to Tahiti to relay all of them to you!

          When I started typing this and in the process of naming this Word Document, my fat fingers mistakenly typed Peril Harbor.

                   That is not far from the truth, but more on that later.

                   Yesterday we were in Honolulu. Anyone that has been to Hawaii will tell you not to judge the entire state (or the island of Oahu for that matter) by the city of Honolulu. Make no mistake about it, Honolulu is a city, with all of the requisite aspects of one. There are tall skyscrapers, both commercial and condos, freeways, bad sections, homeless, (and Walmart’s!)

                   But…. mixed into all of this Urbaneness are other signs of where you really are….. palm trees, gorgeous skies, incredible florals, lush old volcanic formed mountains, and everyone (except me) was attired in a Hawaiian shirt! The buildings downtown were really quite nice, their design and architecture were just unique enough to warrant noticing.

                   We were on an excursion that was entitled, Pearl Harbor, National Cemetery of the Pacific, and City Highlights.  By now (but it was too late) we have learned that anything with “Highlights” in the title is the one that attracts the Geriatric Parade of Ambulatory Assisting Mobility Devices. But it was too late to change anything so we steeled ourselves, gritted our teeth and prepared for the worst.

                   Some Hawaiian deity must have been smiling down on our tour because we found ourselves in a small bus with only one lady with a scooter and she was a “non-issue.”

                   When we boarded the ship, we received a letter in our stateroom announcing that this tour unfortunately did no longer include an opportunity to take the boat out into the harbor to visit the USS Arizona Memorial. We heard all sorts of rumors about the Navy needing to cut back on the amount of people allowed to visit because the Memorial needed maintenance, and other such rumors. This came as a major blow as an opportunity to visit this memorial is quite special. We were also informed that our visit to the National Cemetery of the Pacific would be just a drive-through experience. This cemetery is just like visiting Arlington or Gettysburg and being able to walk around and see the giant mosaics depicting the significant Battles of the Pacific during WWII is one of the highlights of a visit.

                   This was not shaping up to be worthwhile time. I felt badly for Paula who had never been here. We disembarked our Giant Van/ Small Bus at Pearl Harbor and after going trough Security we found ourselves gathered around our Tour Guide who handed out tickets to the boat that takes you out to the USS Arizona Memorial.

And it departed in a half hour! You can usually wait up to two hours for your turn to take the ride out there!

                   By now I am thoroughly perplexed for all the right reasons, and I wasn’t secure until we actually went through the line and had our QR coded tickets beeped “green”.

                   If you have ever had the opportunity to visit this particular Memorial You know to what I am about to speak. Unfortunately, if you have never had this opportunity there are no words that will adequately express the feelings and emotions that accompany this experience. I will say that the folks that were there did display the correct amount of respect and dignity befitting an experience of this nature. There were no kids running around (but they were there), no “selfies”, but photography is allowed, and everyone spoke in whispers and hushed voices. And I am in tears just writing this.

This Memorial spans the hull of the Arizona which suffered an incredibly devastating bombing on December 7, 1941, during this now infamous attack. An aerial bomb made a precise, direct, hit on her forward powder magazine that held several thousand tons of ordinance at the time. There was no warning, no second chance for these sailors.

Consequently, the hull of the Arizona became their final resting place.

 One Thousand One Hundred Seventy-Seven brave souls are entombed in the hull, just beneath the waves of Pearl Harbor. The fuel and oil from her fuel bunkers still floats up and give a rainbow sheen effect to the waters just above the hull.

          Maybe a “Rainbow” is somehow fitting?

A stay out on the Memorial only lasts about ten minutes as the next launch arrives to unload its passengers and pick us up. Back on land we watched a special film narrated by Stockard Channing who’s somewhat distinctive raspy voice was a perfect choice as the narrator.

          Back on the bus, sans two very late tourmates, (we don’t know their fate, only that the Driver was given permission to leave them behind) we proceeded on the rest of our tour. First destination was the “Punchbowl”, one of the names associated with the Memorial Cemetery because it is located within the crater of a long extinct volcano.

We then proceeded to the nice downtown area that includes old government buildings from back when Hawaii was its own country, then a territory, and finally our youngest state. A statue of King Kamehameha I, the fellow that united the Hawaiian Islands in 1810 after hundreds of years of infighting, is prominently displayed in front of the state Supreme Court.

          When the tour was completed, we were deposited back at our ship. Thankfully the day turned out far better than I had anticipated!

          On to Kauai!

I don’t know which is better, easing the Band-Aid off your boo-boo, or just rip that thing off in one fell swoop?

                                      We are facing a similar dilemma with traveling around the globe but are powerless to make our own decision on this problem.

 We are experiencing Boat-Lag.

This similar to Jetlag but much slower.

Every few nights we are instructed to turn our clocks back one hour. This means that we gain an hour each time that we perform this task.

Yay!!!  Extra Sleep Time!!!

Or in my case I just get up earlier for a day until the change makes its full 24-hour cycle. This is not an issue.

Until…. There are several days in a row that require us to move the time. This is more predicated on the actual time of our next destination. We need to arrive and be experiencing the same time-zone as that port.

But wait!

The International Date Line is looming on the horizon (literally)! When we pass in this direction (we are traveling westbound) we lose a day!

What a rip-off!

We signed up for a 111-day cruise not a 110-day one!

But wait again!

We get all that time back, in little one-hour bits, because since we travel in the same direction and set our clocks back 24 times (24 time zones around the world) we gradually end up with a net/net gain/loss of zero!

          Don’t worry there will be no quiz on this, it took me a while to come to grips with it!

          The only thing for us to grip now is that Band-Aid analogy and as I said, we don’t have any control of it!

          So….. Zzzzzzzzzz!

We arrived Los Angeles just in time for me to make my dentist appointment.

          Yes friends, my dentist is located in West Covina, California so I thought that since we were going to be in town for a day, I would make an appointment.

          How convenient!

          What a load of crap!

          The real story is that exactly one day before our departure from Texas, I developed a significant toothache. I am no stranger to these unpleasant experiences. My root-canals have all been re-done over the years, so I am a professional dentist goer.

          But I am also a professional procrastinator, so when you combine those two professions guess which one wins?

          You got it!

I am a card-carrying member of Procrastinators International!

 So…. It’s been a few since I’ve been to my dentist. Now, there’s absolutely no time to even try to get an appointment in Texas, so Advil’s become my best little friends, and this somewhat calms the situation down.

But…. What if I’m in Malaysia or some other strange, scary place that has witch doctors for dentists?

I know!

I’ll call my in-laws, Dan, and Linda (Travis’s parents) and have them help me get an appointment at their dentist in two weeks’ time when we reach Los Angeles.

(The reason that I am relating this adventure to all of you is that there is a lesson to be learned here and it’s not what you think.)

          Linda and Dan come through like the champions that they are and procure a 10 AM appointment for me. The ship docks around 7 AM, we can disembark around 8 AM and hopefully it does not take two hours to make the commute back to West Covina.

          I say hopefully because since this foray into the wilds of the Los Angeles Freeway System is not a Princess sponsored excursion, they have no obligation to hold the ship for me if I am late. All-aboard is supposed to be at 2:15 PM and you would think that there is plenty of time for us to make this 37-mile round-trip and get treated by a good ol’ USA dentist.

          But… Dan is stuck in traffic (already) and is about 45 minutes late picking me up. Driving in LA is akin only to maybe Singapore or Mumbai. I can personally attest to the fact that NYC has nothing on Los Angeles when it comes to traffic!

There is a happy ending here. My tooth had stopped hurting one day after we left Fort Lauderdale, but I figured that I should not tempt fate any more than I already had, so I kept the appointment and we found out that there was a small infection (“See that little dark spot there?” …. “No Doc, I don’t… I’ll just take your word for it. “)

 Anyway, a script for some antibiotics for now and some for later (if the problem resurfaces) and away we went. There was a wait at Walgreens, and I needed to stop for a new piece of luggage as one of the ones we used got smushed. When we arrived at the check-out line at Burlington there was (just) one checkout girl who was slowly taking care of a return and a line of six ladies waiting with carts full of clothes to purchase. I said to Dan, “This does not look good!” Dan walks over to the gaggle of purchasing patrons and announces, “Ladies, I need to get this guy back to San Pedro so he can catch his ship that will leave without him if he’s not there on time….. Would you mind if we got in line in front of you?”

 It was pensive few moments before they agreed and surrendered their places in line to the two guys with the frantic look in their eyes.

          Back on the Freeway, only a few “Red Zones” came up on my Google Maps Directions and our ETA at the ship looked good. Arriving in time I hopped out with my Gigundo Suitcase which everyone obviously assumed that it was full since I was boarding a cruise ship! They were all very impressed with my apparent strength as I heaved that puppy around like I was Mr. Universe in the body-building competition!

          Finally aboard, I took out my Handy-Dandy Princess Medallion App and located Miss Paula up on the Sun Deck.

          This is where the lesson comes in.

          One must be careful upon opening the doors of a ship on a windy day. These doors are designed with a closing-retarding-slow-it-down type mechanism so that they don’t slam. Upon exiting the passageway on the Sun Deck, I realized that I was going in the wrong direction. I quickly reversed course only to find that the door was still where I had left it.

 Open.

With the edge pointed right at my face.

          Bang!

          “That’s going to leave a mark” I said to myself as I adjusted the glasses on my face. I knew that there was going to be some damage and that really became apparent as I could feel some “liquid stuff’ dripping down my face. I went to the nearest bar (not for what you think!) and asked the horrified bartender for a damp paper towel. I am on blood thinners, so I am quite sure that my apparent distress looked far worse than it was. Hastily getting me that paper towel, he asked if I’d like him to call a Medic. I seized my chance here, and in my best British accent, I was able to use my favorite quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when the Black Knight has his arm and legs cut off but still insisted on fighting claiming that “It’s only a flesh wound!”

Unfortunately, I do not think that this bartender, who was from India, had seen that movie, as my quote had absolutely no effect on him.

          So… the lesson here is if you ever find yourselves going for a dentist appointment in a strange port and need to get back to the ship in a timely manner and then look for your Honey after boarding, Do Not rush through that supposedly open and not closed door unless the bartender has seen Monty Python and can appreciate the quote that you throw out at him! 

Our call in the Port of Los Angeles was supposed to be relatively short one with “All Aboard” at 2:15 pm. That usually signifies a departure about a half hour to forty-five minutes later. We were here mainly to disembark the folks that just made the “Panama Canal” transit and then to pick up the passengers for the rest of the World Cruise. But there was more fuel to load than anticipated and perhaps more importantly, more food!

                             On the starboard side was our friendly fuel barge snuggled up close and personal pouring that sweet #2 diesel fuel into the hungry fuel bunkers.

                             On the port side there was a bevy of activity going on as the various pallets of foodstuffs were being jockeyed about, all waiting their turn to be gently placed into the maws of the hungry passengers (so to speak). Eventually they would find their way into our “hungry fuel bunkers” after the Culinary Staff worked their magic…..  and I don’t just mean the kind they use to transform all those fruits and vegetables into works of art!

                             The day before, we went to the Culinary Demonstration that seems to be one of the obligatory events of just about any cruise and in thinking about it, why shouldn’t it be? Outside of a Michelin starred restaurant or resort, a cruise is the next best place to see one of the most highly trained culinary staffs that can be found anywhere in the world.

                   And…. they do it in quantities and with a service level that allows them to serve meals almost simultaneously! On board our relatively regular-sized ship there are 1900 passengers and another 900 staff. That means that they need to prepare meals for 2800 people, three times a day, for a total of 8400 meals! (and don’t forget the cookies, pastries, pizza, burgers, and other morsels that keep us sated between the three main feeding events of the day!)

 It is obvious that this department works 24 hours a day!

The Culinary Demonstration was held in the theater and with a set that proves that this show is an important and on-going part of the cruising experience.

Our show featured the Executive Chef, Raggie Saldanha, and the Maître d’hotel, or as he is now known, the Director of Restaurant Operations, Daniele Rosafio. As you may already have surmised, Raggie is from India and Daniele calls Italy as his home.

                   On stage together they were a hoot! There is a natural abrasiveness that develops between the “back of the house” and the “front of the house”. Believe me I know this firsthand! There were many a time that I needed to referee a bout between the kitchen chef and the dining room manager! But in the end the customer wins which, even though they may be at odds sometimes, is the common goal. These guys used this rivalry as a comedy tool as good as any seasoned comedy team I’ve ever seen 😊

          They prepared Gamberi Ala Fra Diavolo, a spicy shrimp dish, and a linguini pasta in a Pesto Sauce as the base. Then a Tiramisu, Espresso Zabaglione was made for dessert. No, we did not get to taste what was made there in front of us, we need to wait for these items to appear on the menu which changes daily. And like any good kitchen, they will have daily specials sometimes utilizing as ingredients, anything that is left over from a previous offering that either too much was prepared or was not ordered enough by the passengers. You may think that the aforementioned situation describes the same thing, but I can assure you that they are totally different situations!

This department works around the clock both cooking, and prepping, for the next meal!

                   Our Demonstration was followed by the next obligatory Galley Tour. I say obligatory because if you don’t avail yourself of this event at least once in your cruising experience you are really missing out. I have been on several tours and since I was in the “biz”, so to speak, it was not as dramatic for me as for everyone else that was not in foodservice, so I have skipped several over the years. Paula had never been on one, so away we went after the Demonstration was over. Well, I’m glad that I tagged along because this is the first time that I’ve been through a galley that was actually preparing and getting ready to serve! Usually, the tour is conducted through one of the galleys that is unused at the present time. They are all sparkly-clean as you may imagine, but to witness all the magic of a kitchen currently in production is a special honor!

                   When all the important stuff was finally aboard, we cast off and made our way out of The Port of Los Angeles. This place is massive and then some! We were in the Port of San Pedro which is just half of the entire “Port of Los Angeles”. Just south of us lies the rest of this place, the Port of Long Beach, (where the original Queen Mary is berthed)

                   After dinner we were treated to one of the production shows. These kids are talented ! And as you can see by the sets, no expense is spared when bringing first-rate entertainment to the passengers!  

                   Our next port-of-call is Honolulu, Hawaii. This requires four days at sea to get there. We shall see if there is anything worth reporting to you during this crossing, or if we even have satellite coverage!

You will be the first to know!

Thanks for reading 😊

Well, we’re obviously doing something wrong.

                   Paula has lost three pounds and I’ve lost five. We’ve searched high and low for them. We believe that they are located somewhere up in the Buffet in Horizon Court, but not being positive we’ve also looked in the Dining Room and the little Snack Bar in the Lounge on Deck Seven, but to no avail….

                             For me, the possibilities are endless.

                             But, it has been thirteen days since I’ve had a Monster Energy Drink. It’s not that I have a tremendous amount of willpower or anything like that. It is solely because they do not have any on board. There are Red Bulls here….. Hmmmm…..

                             But no, I don’t drink them for the energy.

                             I have had no withdrawal symptoms.

                             I just like the taste, simple as that.

                             Yes, I know that these tall, slender cans containing the Elixir of the Gods are not the best things to imbibe in. They have proven that (in questionable quantities) they are quite detrimental to your well-being.

                             But I only have One….. a day.

                             Not anymore!

                             I think that this was Paula’s plan all along. She has tried in vain for me to kick this insidious habit. Maybe she is responsible for them not having any on board!

                   Anyway, we’re down a few and if this trend continues, we will need all new clothes by the end of the cruise!

                   Actually, there is another reason why we’ve lost weight.

                   It’s the food.

                   No, it’s not what you think.

                   It’s because they make it look so good that we feel bad destroying their works of art, hence we don’t eat it!

In fairness, we have been keeping up with our exercising-by-walking regime. In fact, the Captain has been so supportive of everyone’s fitness routine that he has been looking out for particularly wavey routes so that when we walk and the deck tilts, it is like being on a treadmill that the incline increases automatically! What a difference it makes when you are trying to:

A.- walk up hill, and

B.- Try and keep your balance at the same time!

                   What a guy!

                   On a completely different topic, I’ve mentioned before about some of the Cruise Passengers and their level of Cruise Experience. Well, it has now officially gotten out of control. We had breakfast yesterday with Don and Shirley (we like it when one member of another couple shares one of our names as it increases the possibility that we will remember the other person’s name by 100%!)

                             Granted they are older than us, but still, com’ on!

                             Sixty cruises??? !!!

                             Where do these folks get the scratch??? !!!

          Now granted, most peeps on here are participating in the World Cruise, and most folks do not take a World Cruise as their first one, (we did find one lady that did though!) so, all things being equal, you would expect that the level of Cruise Experience would be a tad higher than let’s say, a seven-day Caribbean jaunt.

                             Hah! Were we wrong!

                             It’s astronomically higher!

                             They’re handing out Captain’s Circle Elite Level pins here like Kleenex to kindergarteners after recess on a winter’s day!

Puerto Vallarta is not nestled on Banderas Bay simply because, is hard to nestle on the purportedly seventh largest bay in the world.

This is where it gets sticky.

Who measures this stuff?

When is a bay not a bay and become a gulf?

What exactly is the criteria used in these measurements?

After we docked we first went across the street from the Cruise Port to the most famous, and popular, attraction here for Passengers and Crew alike, El Walmarto de Puerto Vallarta and El Clubo de Sam and bought a tape measure. After renting a boat, it took us almost the entire day to measure the Bay. The best we could come up with was about 298 square miles. That puts this place somewhere between that possible seventh place, all the way down to tenth place.

Either way it’s big! Big enough for Humpback Whales to use as a breeding ground!

                             It was a good thing that our Tour of the City Highlights started later in the day than usual, so we were able to ditch our rented boat and climb aboard the Big Bus for the Tour.

                             We probably could have arrived much later as it took eons to get everyone aboard.

                             We have discovered something.

                             We knew that we would be traveling with an inordinate amount of older cruise passengers than would normally populate an average cruise. Who’s got four months to kill going around the world?

                             Retired (read old) folks!

                             Old folks with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

                             A lot of them!

                             Hence the extended needed time to load and unload the cargo (oops, passengers!) each time we stopped for a mini-excursion from the Bus.

Our first stop was at El Malecon, or The Boardwalk. The boards have been replaced with concrete and not too long ago, widened probably a good fifty feet. This mile-long esplanade features everything that you would expect on a boardwalk except (for the Jersey readers) skee-ball and other arcade attractions. There are various works of art (sculptures) that dot the seaside along the beach. It is obviously very popular and was well attended while we were there.

Our second stop was at The Church of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Started in 1903 and not finished until 1987, it wears a crown on the very top, a replica of the crown worn by Carlota, an Empress of Mexico. Damaged by an earthquake in 1997, it was repaired by the sculptor Octavio Gonzales, the same guy that created many of the bronze pieces along El Malecon. They are very beautiful!

From there we went “Shopping”.

You know, that mandatory stop at the friend of the tour guides place. In this case it was a jewelry store. The merchandise was of a higher quality, pretty to look at, but we did not get to the “negotiations” level so I cannot speak to its price.

Back on the cattle car, we drove south to one of the more famous spots around here. In fact, it’s the one that put Puerto Vallarta on the map. Well not really, as it’s been here since the 1500’s, but it wasn’t until 1964 when John Huston’s The Night of the Iguana was released, and the world was exposed to the beauty of this little hamlet. Both Huston and the star of the film, Richard Burton, bought homes here and the world followed. Throw the Love Boat into the mix about a decade later and Whammo! we’ve got a bona fide seaside resort on our hands!

Our last stop was at a really cool restaurant where they offered us Margaritas.

You know, the ones with Tequila (!)

They were strong!

I had one!

Paula did too, but she can hold her liquor better than I can. It’s a good thing that Jose’ was driving the Senior Mobile back to the ship!

The ride back was a raucous one with someone starting “A Hundred Bottles of Tequila on the Wall”, but it didn’t last because not only does Tequila have two syllables and is hard to sing in the original meter (beer only has one syllable), but everyone eventually needed a nap, and fell asleep.

                   When we arrived back at the Cruise Terminal, we found that we had a neighbor. Royal Caribbean’s Navigator of the Seas was pulled in alongside of us. This ship is about the same age as ours (twenty years old) but is a full 50% larger! We weigh in at about 93,000 gross tons and they come in at a whopping 143,000 gross tons! (Remember our lesson a few posts ago?) And this pales in comparison to their newest ships that weigh in at 230,000 gross tons and can handle up to 7000 passengers! It’s not for me, but it’s still impressive!

                             Our Sail away was remarkable in its own right. We needed to deftly back out of our berth, not hit the Navigator, swing the stern to Port and then go forward and through the Ship Canal. This little Ship Harbor was obviously made for the cruise ships of yore that were only about 750’ in length. All of this maneuvering was done sans tugboats! Bow and stern thrusters only! It was, I’m sure, all routine for them, but it was impressive none the less!

We are sailing up the western coast of Mexico, bound for Puerta Vallarta. You all remember Puerta Vallarta, it was the destination of the original Love Boat along with Captain Stubing, Julie, Isaac, Gopher, and the Doctor. Puerta Vallarta is a member of the ports that compromise the Mexican Riviera.

Much like poor Venice, who’s name gets batted about with reckless abandon when describing any city with “canals”, the term “Riviera” was originally used to describe the region of France that is located on their southern coast along the Mediterranean. It is now used around the world to describe a selection of cities along a particular coastline. It’s OK, as they say, “Imitation is best form of flattery”, so I’m sure that the folks in France can handle it. We will be visiting some of those ports in France later in the voyage, so more on those places in a few months.

                   Our “Days at Sea” are the Maritime parts of the voyage. Most of the time we are out of the sight of land, and we rarely see another ship around. I really enjoy listening to the sounds of the hull as it ply’s though the water. Even in gentle swells, as the bow rises and falls, you can hear the creaks and groans of the hull gently twisting and torquing as the forces of the water change on a hull that is almost a thousand feet long. It reminds me of one of those old seafaring black and white movies where the camera tilts slightly back and forth to simulate a ship on the high seas and you can hear the rigging and hull making those wonderful creaking sounds in the background. That is what it sounds like at night when everything else has calmed down and it’s just you in your hammock swinging back and forth, gently rocking you to sleep.

Yes, I know… we have a queen-sized bed in a nice stateroom…. but I can dream, can’t I?

Speaking of sights and sounds…. I would be remiss if I did not include the smells, or aromas, if you please, and I am not speaking about the wonderful epicurean delights that emanate from the Galley!

          I’m speaking about the maintenance factors of the ship! Nothing gets me going like the smell of a good spar varnish, or some CRC 656, used as a lubricant, (somewhat like WD-40). We get these wonderful aromas when we walk around the Promenade Deck and pass the various hatches and entryways that lead into the nether-regions of the ship. These portals are strictly verboten, except to the crew, and the penalty for entering these magical places varies from a dress-down by the Staff Captain to being forced to walk the plank, or at the worst being drawn and quartered or keel-hauled.

          So…. We stay outside those areas and can only imagine the cool stuff the only the crew gets to see!

          Speaking of being reprimanded by Command, I can see a storm a brewin’ on the horizon and it ain’t the meteorological kind!

It’s with the Passengers.

Yes, all of us fun loving, sun basking, overeating gluttons are in for the fight of our lives.

Here’s the issue.

We (the collective of passengers) have formed tight bonds as only those that have faced seafaring dilemmas together can realize.

In Los Angeles, we disembark a fair amount of our fellow shipmates and here’s the rub…. We embark a passel of new shipmates, the “Interlopers”, as it were. I can feel the tension growing as we get closer and closer to Los Angeles. At first it was only rumors, but those undercurrents of discontent have a way of permeating even the most innocuous conversations. Scuttlebutt about “Taking out the La La’s” (LA – short for Los Angeles) is being heard in even the Mahjong and Bridge playing circles and is definitely a topic with the daily Trivia Contest followers. We, the “Forts” (short for Fort Lauderdale), won’t stand for any La La’s coming on board and trying to just settle in without “paying King Neptune”.

          The most vocal group on board is the Knitting and Crocheting Ladies who meet every morning at ten in the Explorers Lounge. They have been heard to be planning something nefarious that involves brandishing their Knitting Needles and Crocheting Hooks.

          This is getting serious.

          Film at Eleven.