Arrrg! Ye Scurvy Dogs!

Turning north after sailing around the bottom of India, we all knew what gauntlets lay ahead.

                                      The Arabian Sea.

The Gulf of Oman.

 The Strait of Hormuz and the Persian Gulf.

The Gulf of Aden.

And eventually we would enter the Red Sea, a thousand-mile-long body of treacherous waters that in order to enter, you must first sail through the Bab al-Mandab Strait, a narrow passageway with Yemen and Somalia on either side, that makes the Strait of Hormuz seem like a wide-open freeway….

                             Beginning in the mid 1600’s, generally considered to be the beginnings of the age of piracy, this area of the world has “shivered the timbers” of many a seafaring man.

                             Nothing has changed.

                             The first signs of our ship being prepared for this exciting time came the other day. While walking the Promenade Deck on Deck 7, we noticed some of our maintenance crew setting up some type of apparatus. We thought at first that they may be getting ready to wash the large “picture windows” that line the public areas of Deck 6 as there were hoses involved.

                             Upon further inspection, we realized that these were not the usual maintenance workers that can be seen daily on the Promenade Deck chipping paint and then repainting. These were our Security Team dressed in white coveralls for this job. Looking even closer it was determined that the hoses were of the “Firehose” kind, you know BIG. Now, we all knew that those windows on Deck 6 needed some pretty heavy cleaning and rinsing, but not that much!

                                      The word spread quickly among the passengers.

                                      Pirate Precautions!

                   This “scuttlebutt” was further verified when our daily newspaper, the Princess Patter, was published the next day with the usual daily log of fun activities listed. There it was, surreptitiously nestled between ‘Bingo’ and ‘Trivia Time’…….

                                      “Piracy Drill”!!!

                                      Unfortunately, it went on to explain that it was for the ‘crew only’ and that us passengers were not needed to be involved. There were visible signs of dejection written all over most of the male passengers faces. You could tell that some of the older fellows were just itching to be involved. You know, a bunch of overweight guys dreaming of their glory days when they (we) were practically invincible! Some of the former military retirees could be seen quietly planning a response strategy if needed.

                                      The actions necessary to repel pirates involves various tactics. The most effective are those already installed high-pressure fire hoses that can be laced with an eye-stinging soapy solution for further effect, and the use of sonic cannons, emitting screamingly loud and /or ultra-sonic sounds that incapacitate anyone that it is directed at.

                   Back to our dejectedness.

                   When the Hour of Anti-Piracy Practice commenced, the Captain got on the ship-wide public address system. It began with those usual tonal notes that are the prelude to an Important Announcement.

                             “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking,” (we already knew that but it’s good to hear it anyway) “As you all know, we are going to conduct our Anti-Piracy Drill. This is just a drill, but bearing in mind that we are now entering a relatively more dangerous zone of waters, it makes sense for us to be prepared. Ladies and gentlemen, the accounts of maritime piracy have fallen off in recent years, but these things can pop back up at any time, and there have been a few reports of coastal unrest in the past few months, hence our drill. This drill is for the Crew only, but…. If…. anyone else wants to participate you are welcome to.”

                   An obvious stir was detected among the passengers as the Captain’s words reached our ears.

 Yes!

We could be part of the action!

          “The best thing that you can do is vacate your outer staterooms, first locking your sliding door, and then secure yourselves in the hallway. If you are in one of our public areas, especially near the outside of the ship, please find your way to an interior room and stay with your fellow passengers.”

                             Another audible sigh of displeasure was heard, this is not what we were waiting for!

                             “Unless”…… the Captain continued….

                             “Unless you would like to be part of the Repelling Team. If this is so, please proceed to Deck 4 down by the Infirmary and report to the Master-at-Arms who will issue you the appropriate weapon according to your experience level. Your weapon rental and ammo will be charged to your onboard account. There is a limited amount of grenade launchers available on a first-come, first-served basis. You must report there now and register so that there is no delay when the time comes to act.”

                                      Now this is more like it! That audible buzz was now reaching levels that rivaled the nightly opening of the Dining Room!

                                      One guy in our cards-playing group couldn’t hold it in any longer, “This is awesome! We were on a cruise back in ’98, a whole flotilla of those Somali bastards, oops, sorry ladies! Well anyway, these guys, they came flyin’ across the water in those high-speed little boats, the Captain sounded the alarm, and those guys didn’t have a clue as to what they were in for! I had an RPG and had rented the optional scope with it and some extra ammo! The guy next to me had an AK-47 with tracer bullets in it! What a sight it was! All of us passengers we blew those pirates to pieces! Even my kid bagged two of them! This is gonna be great!”

                             Luckily, I was one of the first to arrive at the Master-at Arms, so I was able to procure a very nice Gulf War Era Grenade Launcher, and yes, I did get the optional scope.

 My eyes aren’t what they used to be, and I wouldn’t want to fire on Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightly by mistake!