Bonnie and (not Clyde)

If found guilty we may be sentenced and/or fined for transporting an illegal live plant into the State of California and I’m not talking about cannabis.

          I’m talking about Bonnie, our faithful green Italian Parsley Plant, who through no fault of her own, unwittingly became an accomplice in this high-stakes cover-up of a (so far) successful attempt of keeping her from being confiscated at the “Checkpoint Charlie” of the California Border Patrol.

          We are in the beginning of completing our disastrously interrupted voyage to Palm Springs and Joshua Tree National Park that we had attempted 2 weeks ago. (More on that later.) Paula was driving when we crossed the Colorado River from Arizona to California on Interstate 10, when several signs appeared letting us know about the impending Border Crossing.

          Having been through this before I knew that this was no ordinary Border Crossing, where they ask you about liquor, cigarettes, Fugitives from Justice, and other forms of contraband.

          No….. these Agents were looking for Plants!

          California has such an agriculturally based economy that any possibility of bringing little nasty creatures and bug-a-boos into the State is met with ferocity. I guess we really can’t blame them, remember the Mediterranean Fruit Fly disaster years ago?

          So now realizing that Bonnie was dangerously close to spending the rest of her life withering  away in the hot California Desert Confiscation Facility, we quickly realized that a ‘Plan of Subterfuge’ was needed. Bonnie’s usual riding place is front and center, right smack dab in the middle of our giant windshield, for all the world to see.

          I can hear it now, “What plant Officer? I don’t see no stinkin’ plant!” with Bonnie unsuspectingly just minding her own business right there in front of us. So, we sprang into action and quickly whisked her away and hid her in the Secret Hiding Compartment where I keep the Chocolate. It’s kind of like the ones that Han Solo used on the Millennium Falcon when he got boarded by the Empire.

          I stashed her under our dining booth, way in the back, where you would need to completely bend over and peer in with a flashlight to see her.

          As we slowly inched our way forward in line, I said to Paula, “These guys are serious, we’re not going to lie if they ask specifics.”

           I’m not going to Prison just for Bonnie, but apparently Paula was willing to!

          We approached the Checkpoint at about 3 mph and Paula smiled coyly at the Guard as she slid the side window open. The Guard swung the Barbed Wire Gate open, all the while keeping a wary eye on us and nervously fingering his semi-automatic RPG slung over his shoulder. There were several Abrams M-1 tanks sitting on the side ready to dispatch any “Breakers” with ease. I could see the High-Walled Confiscation and Retention area in the distance with all the other innocent Traveling Plants peering through the chain link fence at the outside world.

          He approached the side of our vehicle and asked in his drastically low Official Sounding Voice, “Do you have any agricultural plants or produce on board.?”

          It is a good thing that Paula spoke louder than I did because I was ready to literally throw Bonnie “under the bus” as I said meekly from the co-pilot seat, “Just a Parsley Plant.”

          But the ever-vigilant sentry didn’t hear me because Paula spoke louder and confidently lied through her teeth proclaiming, “Just the stuff in my refrigerator.” She then  batted her eyes at the young impressionable  Guard. Blushing in an aw-shucks kind of way, he smiled back at Paula and replied, “That’s just fine Ma’am, have a nice day!” He nodded an ‘Ok’ to the rest of his Platoon and they parted like the Red Sea as we were waved through into the Promised Land with Bonnie safe and sound in her Stowaway Compartment.

          The only downside of this, (besides the fact that Bonnie now knows that I’d give her up in a heartbeat) is that she is now forced to wear disguising sunglasses for the rest of her life.