Random

To describe this trip as a whirlwind would be that proverbial understatement!

                         Relax? Not a chance!

                         But then, that’s not why we’re doing this!

I feel that one of my usual features of traveling, documenting such, has almost taken a backseat, mostly because I do feel the need to sleep every now and then.

                        But why should you suffer? If you are reading this then you either have a penchant for seeing some fun, far-away places or you are a person who revels in inflicting oneself with useless drivel. As the Old Monk says in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade…. “Choose wisely.”

                        So, here assembled before you is an incredibly good example of that useless drivel…..

                        I went for a haircut a few days before we left but neglected too check out and confirm the actual cutting number of the clippers used for a beard trim. So, it looked neat and tidy for a while, but soon I looked like I was trying out for a stand-in role in an upcoming reality program, The  Bushmen of Vietnam. I mentioned to Captain Phil that getting a haircut would be nice. A few days later he came to me and said, “Let’s go!” A look of questionality  (new word!) must have crossed my face because he just made some gestures of “hair clipping” as I smiled knowingly. This was in my new favorite city of Hoi An where we have fortuitously bought a small two-bedroom flat above a combination Chocolate / Book / RV repair facility. (it’s the only one like it in the whole region!). The extra room is for any of you to come over and visit!

                                    Anyway, I follow Phil as he winds his way through the ancient streets until we come to a barber shop, complete with the twisty, red, white, and blue barber pole. This must be part of some groundbreaking UN International Agreement or something because there it was, doing its twirly thing as customers waited patiently. I, on the other hand, waited with some trepidation because I couldn’t understand a word that was said in the hasty exchange between Phil and the Manager (who was about 25). I guess Phil wanted to make sure that I got the Head Guy because several customers went ahead of me to the waiting chairs of the other three barbers who were at least 22 years old!

                                    I sat there watching in somewhat trepidation as these guys work like Ninjas on crack as they clipped, sliced, diced, and whirled their ways through various styles of cuts and fashions upon their victims heads. I succumbed to this visage and said to myself, “No worries Donny, it’ll grow back…..someday.”

                                    My turn finally arrived, indicated by the Manger looking over at me and somewhat franticly gesturing that he needs me in his chair. He seemed friendly enough, we exchanged smiles and that was all, as there was no time after that for conversation, clippers, scissors, combs, all various and sundry implements of destruction were flying about my head and ultimately, my throat, as all I really needed was a beard trim.

                        I did know that Phil said that he would be back to pick me up as I had no idea where I was. The Al Stewart song,  ‘Year of the Cat” kept playing in my freaked-out brain….

                                    On a morning from a Bogart movie
                        In a country where they turn back time
                        You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
                        Contemplating a crime……

                        By the blue tiled walls near the market stalls
                        There’s a hidden door she leads you to…..

Well, old Al didn’t get out in time as you may recall, he “Lost his ticket” as “The bus and the tourists are gone…”

                        I was seeing my old life pass before me until the Cloak of Gray Hair Clippings came whipping off and I was directed to a very narrow stairway leading to the loft above. I looked at my executioner with what must have been a look of horror as he burst into laughter (maniacal?) and indicated by hand gestures that I was going for a hair wash.

                        OK.

                        Up the stairs, sidestepping along the way, as that was the only way to fit, I poked through the upstairs floor and found several others there in several stages of getting hair dyes.                    “Ok, this is good, at least there will be witnesses” I thought to myself. I was directed to a table which looked rather uncomfortable (it was) and I proceeded to lay down (the wrong way) as I scanned the top and bottom for signs of it really being some sort of “Rack” that I would be stretched on. No worries there as that is not their modus operandi.

                Thankfully I was just waterboarded.

                 With cold water.

                Apparently my usual “MVP Experience” at Sport Clips is not something that made it into that UN Agreement because by the time I got situated the correct way the next thing I know I’ve got cold water streaming down my face as a soap of questionable origin and fragrance is applied and then just as quickly rinsed out. Luckily my inhalation reflex was curtailed as soon as that cold water hit my face because I survived the waterboarding and was duly ushered back down from the Tower to my chair in the Dungeon below.

                All the while this was going on my Executioner was spending an inordinate amount of time on his phone. I wished that he would just pay attention to my situation and leave his personal stuff for later. But little did I realize that he was trying to coordinate the arrival of my Freedom Fighter, Phil and the culmination of my Services.

                        Apparently he was not successful.

                        Yelling something to the other three assailants on the other side of the shop, he grabbed my arm and we exited out into the bright sunlight (I’m free!) until he jumps on his motorbike and indicates for me to get on behind him. There must have been something in that “tonic/shampoo” that made me delirious because here was my chance to escape and I found myself sitting behind him as we shredded the crowds in the street like Moses parting the Waters in front of him. Several turns and U-turns later a familiar figure was standing in the middle of the street with a glorious ray of sunlight shing down on him like he was liturgical….                  Saint Phil (the Buddhist!)

                        I got off the bike and listened to Phil and my barber, previously known as Captor, exchange lots of unintelligible words. Phil turned to me and indicated that it was time to pay. I handed him all my cash which amounted to about 600,000 Dong. I hoped that would cover it.

                More verbal exchanges ensued.

                I received no change.

                Phil said to me, “He’s going to bring you back to the hotel.”

                        “Ok”, I gulped.

                        And off we zoomerized as those crowds did what they were supposed to do when someone of Biblical Proportions is aiming for you….. get outa the way!

                        Finally deposited safely back at the hotel, my Kidnapper of Record smiled and gestured that he needed to get back to his shop.

                        I went upstairs where I finally had a chance to look in the mirror.

                        I now have a problem that I never saw coming and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this one…..

                        I need to return here every five weeks for a haircut because I’ve NEVER had as good a haircut as this one in my life!

A cut, beard trim, wash and delivery for about 500,000 Dong! ($18.00) I did get some change from Phil later on  😊