“What You Don’t Know Is..”

                In my opening “State of the Motorhome” address I used the term “Wheels-Up” to signify our final departure on the outbound leg of our trip. I took flying lessons long ago and even though I do not have a license, I do know how to fly. My partner, Steve, is a pilot. He could be, with no exaggeration, one of the most versatile and accomplished pilots on the planet. Every now and then, he asks if I would like to go flying and you know what my answer always is.

          Actually, I harbor this sick, stupid, secret, desire.

          Here’s the scenario.

          I am on an airliner bound for somewhere when the Cabin Steward comes on the microphone and asks in a somewhat frantic voice,

           “Is there a pilot aboard?”

           It seems that the pilot and co-pilot had the same thing to eat before departure and are now down for the count. My arm flies into the air as I jump up from my seat.

          “I’ve got this!” I yell out in a very confident voice (in an attempt to calm the now obviously upset passengers).

          I stride forward and enter the flight deck and take my position in the left seat. One of the other pilots, I assume it is the First Officer because he has three stripes on his uniform, is in better shape than the Captain so he tries his best to give me pointers. He puts me in touch with Air Traffic Control who then gets an experienced pilot on the comm with me.

          ATC – “What is your flying experience sir”?

          Me – “I flew Phantoms in ’68  off of the Saratoga in ‘Nam”.

          ATC – “Impressive”!

          ME – “Only kidding, I was in 8^th grade in 1968 but I soloed in a        Cherokee 140 and I’ve flown an Aircoupe, Cessna 206 and 310, Falcon 900, and believe it or not, a 727 with Steve Forbes in the back. Oh, and my kids got me an hour in an AT-6 Warbird. That was a hoot”!

          ATC – “Ok sir, at least you know what the controls do”!

          Me – “I promise that I won’t press random buttons or throw                     unknown switches”!

          ATC – “ Agreed sir, what is your air speed?”

          Me – “450 knots”

          ATC – “Roger, start to throttle back and descend to 25,000”

          Me – “Roger ATC, please let me know the stall speed of this baby, the flap setting for landing and help keep me on the glide path on our final approach. I’d rather not try to do any downwind and crosswind legs please. Let’s try for a straight in final”.

         ATC – “Roger that”!

          45 minutes later the airliner touches down with the usual bump and a bunch more (Hey! I’m not THAT good!). Then we coast to the end of the runway where we are met by someone with a lot more experience than me to safely taxi over to the terminal.

          The End.

          By now you are probably saying to yourself,

          “Why in the name of all that is Holy is he telling us this story”?

          It is because the pre-flight (or drive) checklist and the actual driving of this coach are more like flying than anything else I’ve done.

          Here’s what is the same about driving the motorhome as is driving your car.

          Four wheels and a road.

          That’s it.

          And I have six wheels.

          The concentration and constant monitoring of gauges and position on the road and traffic conditions well ahead is exhausting. At least in any plane of significant size there is an autopilot, which helps a bit.

          I have “Cruise Control”.

          Which, make no mistake, is a godsend because the throttle pedal on one of these diesel pushers is not easy to keep depressed for any length of time.

          Let’s do my pre-flight walk-around.

• Tire air pressure check (six tires)
• Oil level
• Coolant level
• Cargo hatches secured
• Electric lines disconnected
• Water line disconnected
•  Sewer line disconnected
• Awnings in
• Slides in
• Car towing hitch inspected
• Car tire pressures checked

Now let’s climb aboard and start the interior pre-flight checklists (2)

• Start the engine
• Gauges
  •      Air pressure, both tanks for brakes
  •      Oil pressure
  •      DEF fluid
  •      Fuel
  •      Guidance system (GPS) This is programmed with our height, weight, and length to warn of upcoming low clearances, small bridges, or sharp turns. When was the last time you needed to worry about those in your car?

Now for the second list:

• Water pump off
• Appliances secured; refrigerator door latched
• Drawers and cabinets latched
• File drawers bungeed
• Countertops cleared
• Roof vents closed

When all of these items are verified that they road-worthy it is time to start driving.

          Pulling out is always more challenging than in a car. Even if I am making a right turn out of a driveway, I use multiple lanes with my turn radius. Believe it or not, the acceleration is not too bad considering her bulk. I do not know what the top speed is, and I really don’t want to find out. It is probably in the 90 MPH range. The fastest I have driven is about 73 MPH and I gauge my cruise speed by two criteria, the legal speed limit and what my fellow drivers are doing. Generally, I am most comfortable about 5 MPH below the speed limit and in the center or right lane.

          In the old days, when I was a classic Jersey Driver, I would block like Dale Earnhardt Sr. in the Daytona 500 before I would let you pass me.

Now I don’t care if Granny in her ‘62 Rambler passes me.

          What a difference.

          I am sure that you have seen those yellow “recommended” speed limit signs before entering a curve. When was the last time that you actually did that speed?

          I do it ALL the time, because if I don’t, only a catastrophe awaits me on the other side of the curve.

          Stopping is the bane of my existence.

          Air brakes are good, but remember those lessons in Physics about speed and inertia?

          Do you have any idea how much inertia is behind a 28,000-pound vehicle traveling at 65 MPH?

          I don’t know either but I do know that there are times that (when I let my concentration lapse for maybe a nano-second) that I need to STAND on said brakes and hope that I stop in time and not have a refrigerator come crashing forward and bury me in cold-cuts.

          If that happens, I hope that there is a good liverwurst in there with some classic German mustard.