Do Chickens get Hemorrhoids’?

          In a word, ‘Yes’.

          “Jeezz, Don! Is that any way to start a blog post?”

          I guess it is, I certainly got your attention, didn’t I?

          But, more on that later.

          Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we find Paula and Don readying their covered wagon for the arduous journey back East to visit friends and loved ones for the summer. In reality we did start from the ranch, or farm, as it were, because this leg began at TomBoy Farm in Durango, Colorado, home to CubScout and Ling-Ling the cats, Chloe the goat, and 13 chickens who have received various and sundry names over the course of the past few years. There is Squishy, who as a young chick, would be incessantly underfoot and we all know what happens to little chicks that insist on behaving that way.

          Yup.

          Squish!

          But not so squished as to have a very truncated life.

          Just enough squish as to require time spent inside the house and be lovingly tended to by Lorelyn and the “Chicken Whisperer”, Travis.

          The story obviously has a happy ending because Squishy is still pecking around the yard, oblivious to her almost fateful genesis.

          Then, there is Tiny Hiny, the root of today’s Post Title and the latest medical miracle being sustained at TomBoy Farm. It seems that Tiny has an affliction known as a ‘Prolapsed Vent’, in short, it’s a ‘Chicken Hemorrhoid’.

          I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure why they ALL don’t have this issue, with pushing out those Large, Extra-Large, and Jumbo elliptical Morsels of Breakfast Delights that we simply call ‘eggs’.

          Not just any eggs mind you, these are “Farm-Fresh, Free-Range, No Antibiotics, as close to Heaven, no Rooster around, Happy Chicken Eggs” as you can get.

                   So, I will spare you the graphic details of the proper care and treatment of this condition, but I almost had to deal with Tiny and her problem on my own.

          Here is the back-story.

          Lorelyn and Travis asked us if we could mind the farm for them if they went to California to visit with Travis’s family. We readily agreed and decided that we would get to Durango a few days early in order to receive our “Farm -Sitters Certification” before they vamoosed to the West. In the meantime, Paula’s sister-in-law, Janet, took a turn for the worst in her battle with MDS, and Paula flew to Vermont to help out her sister, Barbara.

          This left me all alone with the critters, not the least of which was Tiny. In short, the First Aid that Travis imbued upon Tiny was sufficient enough to have them leave with a clear conscience, but I still need to keep an eye on her. She had no further issues, much to my obvious delight.

          Luckily, all of my charges responded nicely to the “Shake the Treats Bag” trick , which made round-up time fairly easy. Everyone gets tucked into their respective beds for the night, safe and sound so no Big Nasties can get to them.

          It is a Critter-Eat-Critter world out here in the Wild West, a definite fact of life, but I was going to do my darndest to make sure that nobody “bought the farm” on my watch!

          The day after Lorelyn and Travis left for California was, in fact, a tad lonely. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and expressing that emotion to Paula when we spoke on the phone, made me realize that I definitely had the easier of our two situations. Helping her sister deal with the last days of Janet was a place that none of us would want to be.

          My dose of reality sunk in and I realized that I had the far better scenario and I quickly started to just make the most of several days of talking only to my charges.

          They did talk back.

          It’s amazing how fluent one can become in Chickenese, Goatalk, and Meowspeak with just a few days of practice! After six days I was almost as fluent as Travis and Lorleyn are, but I’m sure that all of my wards were happy to see ‘Mom and Dad’ when they returned home the Sixth Day.

           Two and a half weeks later, and after Janet’s ‘Celebration of Life’, Paula returned to Colorado. Pausing for a brief respite of a few days so Paula could relax a bit, we started our trip back East, with our first destination being Nashville, Tennessee, the home of The Grand Ole Opry and Joey Oldock, one of my most beloved (not just by me!)former employees at the Chatterbox.

          It’s Interstate 40 practically the entire way, staying at the rest areas in various states. We have arrived at what we believe is the best schedule for driving.

          I start out in the morning because that’s when I’m at my best.

          I drive for a few hours and then Paula takes over ‘til lunchtime.

          Then I resume for the early afternoon until I start to nod off, and then Paula takes over for the mid-afternoon shift which leaves me snoozing in the co-pilots seat (nice co-pilot, huh) after which I switch back to the pilot’s seat and finish out our travel day, usually around 4 or 5 PM. We have been listening to books-on-tape(?) (What a misnomer!), so far we’ve heard, Unbroken, Into Thin Air, and we are currently a few chapters into Swiss Family Robinson.

          Last night was spent at a rest area in Arkansas, which is the first one we’ve encountered where they separate the cars, trailers, and motorhomes from the trucks. Usually, we are mixed in with the trucks which have  tendency to leave their motors running which makes for a noisy night.

          Last night was as calm as can be. 😊

          Today we arrive in Nashville, just in time for me to sign my recording contract.

          I’ll keep you posted.